Matt Bors for December 26, 2007
A detainee at Guantanamo Bay recently attempted suicide by slicing his neck with a SHARPENED FINGERNAIL. Thankfully, he was stopped. Soldier: Hold 'em still, boys! I'm gonna buff that claw down to NON-LETHAL STATUS. ZZZZZZZZ Our policies forbid captives from making radical end-of-life decisions that conflict with us holding them for all eternity without a trial. Priest: It would violate our culture of life mortality. We love life more than Islamofacists love death! Every effort must be made to ensure sentence. Appendage-free, force-fed Muslims make suicide an impossibility. Military Personnel: You don't come to Gitmo to die. You come to LIVE...for as long as science and the good lord permit! Death from old age/ boredom is only the beginning. Their heads will be cryogenically frozen until technology allows them to be reanimated on torturable robot bodies. Soldier: It's a temporary measure until the war on terror blows over...or the sun burns out. WHICHEVER COMES FIRST!
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