Matt Bors for February 18, 2008
The 9/11 trials in Guantanamo will be nationally televised ratings bonanzas and help bring SHOW TRIALS into the 21st century. Soldier: Six men, trapped on a mysterious island for years, after a passenger jet crash. Should be a HIT! The dude who played the crazy drill sergeant in "FULL METAL JACKET" will be the celebrity judge. Drill Sergeant: I bet you don't even WANT the 72 virgins! You look like you could suck a shoe bomb through a garden hose! Since they must be killed ON the island, AMERICAN GLADIATORS will hurl javelins at the guilty from the southern tip of Florida. AXE GRRR! Their dangerous corpses will still need to be detained indefinitely and buried in the sacred soil of Gitmo. Soldier: They'll be food for our 9/11 avenging monster worms! Snap! Watch all the action the night before the election!
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