Matt Bors for July 15, 2009

Transcript:

Dept. Of Obligatory Michael Jackson Commentary Al Sharpton has credited Michael Jackson with the election of BARACK OBAMA, since buying "THRILLER" made white people more comfortable with black guys. CLEARLY! But let's not ignore the crucial role Jackson's abusive father played in presidential politics. Joe Jackson: If I hadn't forced little MJ to perform, JOHN MCCAIN would be president! Thriller! And then there's CHER, her 1968 album "Backstage" was a bomb, dooming Hillary's campaign. Hillary Clinton: I would have had more female fans in CRUCIAL PRIMARY STATES! CRACK! In the end, the youth vote should be credited entirely to PRINCE. Prince: It was MY sexy jams that caused their conception. NEXT: P-Funk's effect on voter apathy!