Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for January 23, 2011
super bowl special man: gosh i hate football, don't you? let's see what else is on? click tv: next on antique road rage watch as a panel of short-fused, irritable appraisers erupt in a frenzy of violence when confronted by greedy nobodies bearing broken, dirty personal effects- man: no. click tv: welcome to chinwag! where we'll address the issues of the day! more issues than anywhere else! social security! liberals! tainted meat! puppy mills! think of any issue and we're all over it like ugly on an ape- man: no. click tv: today on blue-in-the-face we'll grab the issues by the lapels and shake them silly! hard issues nobody else will touch, like how can orrin hatch's head get an unrestricted blood flow with those stiff collars he wears- man: no. click tv: on open mike slapfest our panel of heavyweight insiders is pumped for some extreme action! they'll get those issues in a choke hold! a suplex! a scissor hold! a kidney-klutch- man: no. click tv: it's a prattle royale today on prattlemania! no issue will leave this building alive! their own mamas won't recognize these issues without their dental records- man: gah. click tv: on "mystery!" we present a new cozy english who-done-it, inspector brit in murder by anglophilia. dear miss dorkin's head has been sheared clean off her torso by some sort of gardening implement. i've just found it in the bed of aspidistras. how ghastly! man: ah.