Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for December 11, 2014

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early catalog alert ineffables winter 2000 features objects so vague & insub-stantial they elude precise descrip-tion. tends towards wind-chimey spirituality. does your husband want a dashboard druid serenity shrine? does your wife need a tibetan healing scrunchie? if so we pity you. condimentia! the source for every relish, spread & sauce necessary to create refrigerator gridlock. vast selection of lethally hot pepper sauces with undignified names ("wild ed's hellfire-spittin' bowel rocket sauce"). offers the mayonnaise-of-the-month club for the blander palate. powergrab 2000 do you have a fidgety execuitve on your list who'd just love a cell-phone that also stores addresses, schedules meetings, checks stocks, tallies gold scores, measures body fat & cholesterol levels, exchanges foreign currency, locates things by geosynchronous satellite, opens cans & moves cheese? look on page 12. stuff 'n' things super 900 page catalog 2000 gifts so useless that once actually given they cease to be, like some un-stable isotope. lawn ornaments, bar knicknacks, mugs & t-shirts with banalities printed on them, things shaped like cats, novelty oven mitts, etc. in short, the only catalog you'll need. we're doing all our christmas shop-ping right here.