Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for November 17, 2015
early catalog alert ineffables winter 2000 features objects so vague & insub-stantial they elude precise descrip-tion. tends towards wind-chimey spirituality. does your husband want a dashboard druid serenity shrine? does your wife need a tibetan healing scrunchie? if so we pity you. condimentia! the source for every relish, spread & sauce necessary to create refrigerator gridlock. vast selection of lethally hot pepper sauces with undignified names ("wild ed's hellfire-spittin' bowel rocket sauce"). offers the mayonnaise-of-the-month club for the blander palate. powergrab 2000 do you have a fidgety executive on your list who'd just love a cell-phone that also stores addresses, schedules meetings, checks stocks, tallies golf scores, measures body fat & cholesterol levels, exchanges foreign currency, locates things by geosynchronous satellite, opens cans & moves cheese? look on page 12. stuff 'n' things super 900 page catalog 2000 gifts so useless that once actually given they cease to be, like some un-stable isotope. lawn ornaments, bar knicknacks, mugs & t-shirts with banalities printed on them, things shapes like cats, novelty oven mitts, etc. in short, the only catalog you'll need.
Little did Richard know that, in 2000, he invented the smartphone.