Rip Haywire by Dan Thompson for February 13, 2015
Man: Sir, that suspiciously handsome waiter from tonight's soire has kidnapped your girlfriend! Tahiti Jones: Haywire! Rip Haywire: If you don't give me safe passage, the girl is gonna get it! Woman: I hope this trick works! Tahiti Jones: Drop your weapons, men! Don't hurt her, Haywire! She's the first steady girlfriend I've had in three years! Woman: He's coming with us, Rip! Rip Haywire: Oh great, and I suppose you didn't think about who has to carry this lump over the wall.