Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for December 15, 2001

Transcript:

Your sensitive government at work Attorney General John Ashcroft recently revealed the reason he will not identify 553 people detained as a result of the terrorism investigation -- It's for their own privacy interests! And it's true: most people are very easily embarrassed by government detention and prosecution, and new rules are now in place to protect them. Can you imagine the shame and humiliation of being told your home was being searched? Well, under the new rules, government operatives can search your home without telling you, discreetly sneakin' and peekin' while sparing you any emotional discomfort. Sneak 1: Find anything good? Sneak 2: It's a good thing she won't know we're doing this! When a person finds himself thrown into the criminal justice system, he often feels very intimidated when talking to his lawyer. Sometimes, just knowing a friend is listening can help a lot! So your thoughtful government now has the power to eavesdrop on these conversations. Just relax, we're there for you! Mug: I'm telling you -- I didn't do nothing! Eavesdropper: Pardon the interruption, but that's a double negative! Oh, the humiliation of a trial. The staring eyes, the blaring headlines, the nose jury, the intrusive defense counsel -- it's all so public! If only there were a more private way of determining your guilt. Well, with our new Secret Military Tribunals, there is! Prosecutor: ...And that's when you joined Al-Qaida! Defendant: That's not true -- but I'm certainly glad that not a soul outside this room knows I'm charged with that! Everything about these tribunals will save you from any undue embarrassment. For example, the government will prevent you from getting your own meddlesome lawyer, and can even withhold from you embarrassing evidence about your case. Judge: This secret file has some very interesting evidence. Too bad you can't see it. Defendant 2: Whew! I've gotta say, you guys are making this very easy on me!