Matt Bors for March 16, 2009

Transcript:

Chuck Norris says* thousands of right-wing "cell groups" are organizing and we may see a second Revolutionary War. Chuck Norris: The cell groups will only watch. I'll fight all the battles myself. *In his weekly column, of course! Afterwards, Norris says he may run for "president of Texas." Chuck Norris: Where we'll remain #1 in executions! OOF! It's fitting that when America collapses, breakaway regions will be seized by ironically loved celebrities. Hasselhoffistan The U.S. of A-Team THE REVOLUTIONARY REPUBLIC OF HAMMER PANTS will push for cooperation with the other budding nations. RRHP Vice Prez V-Ice Vanilla Ice: We need to stop, collaborate and listen on renewable energy!