Big Nate by Lincoln Peirce for October 04, 2015

Transcript:

The film screened today in Mrs. Godfrey's 6th grade social studies class, "Abraham Lincoln: From Log Cabin to White House", is a festering pimple on the forehead of educational cinema. *tik tik tik* The problems begin in the very first scene, when we meet young Abe as a 9-year-old boy in Kentucky. Abe's mother dies, so of course you're expecting Abe to be totally devastated, right? Duh. *tik tak* *tikka tikka* But guess what? The kid playing Abe is a complete stiff. When he "cries" at his mother's bedside, he sounds like a goat passing a kidney stone. I've seen more convincing acting from a plastic lawn gnome. *tak tik tik tak* Then Abe grows up. At this point, the movie really needs a jolt of energy, like a car chase or a kung fu shadows. But no, instead, Abe reads a lot of books and becomes a lawyer, and gets married. Wow. Exciting. And by the way, the actor playing the grown-up Abe doesn't resemble the real Abraham Lincoln at all. His famous mole appears to be a glob of Silly Putty on his cheek, and his so-called beard looks like a chipmunk taped to his chin. *tik tikka tak takka* Somehow, Abe is elected President, and the Civil War begins. Sorry, but the Civil War battle looks SO FAKE. I mean: Hello, if you want authenticity, try using film of REAL Civil War battles. Apparently, that never occurred to the director of this fiasco. *Tak tak tik tik* And if you're hoping for a happy ending, I have more bad news... Spoiler alert. Movie reviewing ain't what it used to be.